feel very neutral was thinking maybe there's only one person in each city except the city i'm in and if i ever go to another city all the people secretly move to that city and pretend to live there like i thought my parents were going to unzip their skin one day and be small rich gremlins no joke really thought that have to be sort of conscious more conscious of the things i'm saying maybe i somehow want a break or something to happen that will change my situation but i don't know of a concrete element i could provide to my surroundings to receive some gratification in return just going to work on being myself like one of the crowd thought about joining the army and speaking to my sergeant about how the other recruits are assholes and was confident that the sergeant would say something like be urself do the best with what u got don't think about those guys watch out for urself repeatedly like it feels like running till ur completely exhausted like an over exhausted bro or something and i would think i'm not really into all the gear and shit and the gear and shit is important though i don't want to spend that much money on it because i'm not all into being a soldier but i just want to be myself within a context and have a goal somehow be a complex bro with layers of safety for some delicate girl who's really special or something to feel comfortable and maybe it's not all about the relationship we just want to touch each other and then i can go back to my context and goals it's not like an escape to be with them i guess i'm one way like a person who floods emotions into situations a lot and doesn't act or react objectively which is important but maybe i can be balanced with my objectiveness like use it a lot and then go lie in my bed and stay very still and my emotions will 'sweat' out or something i must just be very far away without sacrificing too much