my eye hurts so badly.
it feels like pliers are pinched around
the skin just outside the tapering lid
and twisting.
if i squint it feels like they're being pulled.
the eye is throbbing. my head is throbbing.
the eyeball is bloodshot.
i want to drink myself to death tonight.
this on top of everything else.
i feel like i'm a character created by myself
on the verge of chaos.
i wrote about the inner chaos.
nothing matters to me. i want to put my head
in my blankets and cry.
i don't know. my head is out of control.
this post doesn't make me feel any better.
it doesn't make any sense.
if anyone sees this i don't know what they'll think.
i think it will be very awkward.
the only way i won't be awkward anymore
is if i drink a lot.
i'm not afraid to do that.
2.05.2009
nothing makes sense to me tonight.
i've been writing for hours.
i've drank beers. what's this about?
i should have said i miss you.
i'm writing about things too close to me.
i'm writing the words of a crazy person.
the person trying to write about things
that haven't happened.
i'm a fake person. i have city of money driven
people inside me. the people want to
walk in their sleep into the night.
nothing makes sense.
i miss you, i said. my fingers itch.
i'm dying from my face. no longer will i be able to see.
i've been writing for hours.
i've drank beers. what's this about?
i should have said i miss you.
i'm writing about things too close to me.
i'm writing the words of a crazy person.
the person trying to write about things
that haven't happened.
i'm a fake person. i have city of money driven
people inside me. the people want to
walk in their sleep into the night.
nothing makes sense.
i miss you, i said. my fingers itch.
i'm dying from my face. no longer will i be able to see.
1.25.2009
i just want to be sane. i want to have even tempered posts. why can't i have that? can't i have a smartly planned life. can't i have something solid so i can work and think about these crazy, undesirable situations instead of living them, caught up in them so harshly i can't coherently describe them. can't i stand somewhere on a shore, like montauk, looking nicely at the world. half dead. can't i be half dead. can't i just kill myself. why haven't i. i've thought of it. who hasn't. why haven't i done it. why haven't we all just died yet. if it's all so bad. why haven't i slipped away to a dangerous place and jumped, or cut, or pulled the trigger.
1.24.2009
sometimes i feel like i'm doing things for the wrong reason. a sentence or desire of mine wants to beat someone at something. when i feel this is happening i subdue myself. i think it is better if i'm subdued. i am more creative when i'm subdued. i feel a soft, high-pitch tension in my neck. one time my teacher used a sentence from our work as an example. for a moment i thought it would be one of my sentences. it wasn't. the sentence was very good. i'm trying to re-create the sentence in my head. it was something like 'the dogs and cats chase each other respectively'. the sentence was better than that. something very good has been lost.
his sentences repel the decisive ego half hidden within their softness.
the trippy song by animal collective
was heavily discussed. they mostly talk of trippy things.
bubbles that come out with ants,
and your pushed down potions
fly out the crank window. the cat tail caught in the crank window, luckily.
a number of ms paint pictures show your feelings.
the sketchy way you look in the ms paint picture
tells me we're frustrated.
the trippy things consistently rise in his world views.
i'm looking at ms paint and feeling sad.
a panda bear bends the bamboo with ease.
the trippy song inspires a frustrated ms paint thing.
he lies on the floor with the angry cats.
the trippy song by animal collective
was heavily discussed. they mostly talk of trippy things.
bubbles that come out with ants,
and your pushed down potions
fly out the crank window. the cat tail caught in the crank window, luckily.
a number of ms paint pictures show your feelings.
the sketchy way you look in the ms paint picture
tells me we're frustrated.
the trippy things consistently rise in his world views.
i'm looking at ms paint and feeling sad.
a panda bear bends the bamboo with ease.
the trippy song inspires a frustrated ms paint thing.
he lies on the floor with the angry cats.
enough has happened for me to see Aloysha with ingenuity.
they withhold my wages for the sick.
my boredom types on the invisible keys until august.
with three spikes, the sentence fell into the radiator
and hung like a bat.
if i want the drums to stop i'll sign a different lease.
they carried Aloysha away last night,
the organic juices rising with her loon birds.
the walls in him drench. six cartons of white rice fall
from the spinning bike.
they withhold my wages for the sick.
my boredom types on the invisible keys until august.
with three spikes, the sentence fell into the radiator
and hung like a bat.
if i want the drums to stop i'll sign a different lease.
they carried Aloysha away last night,
the organic juices rising with her loon birds.
the walls in him drench. six cartons of white rice fall
from the spinning bike.
1.19.2009
living near the train doesn't benefit my life,
my life wasted dealing with tense.
the pool players dance with the perfect tense.
the savage overtakes the subway stop on his skateboard.
we emerge from the subway and freeze for twenty minutes.
two bubble jackets, raised in the neighborhood,
find the train with ease.
my life wasted dealing with tense.
the pool players dance with the perfect tense.
the savage overtakes the subway stop on his skateboard.
we emerge from the subway and freeze for twenty minutes.
two bubble jackets, raised in the neighborhood,
find the train with ease.
1.17.2009
GoogleReader is under the influence
of three cups of coffee
or a few beers with friends
the energy you'll need
to fill the air in pyramids.
he reads the AP release.
the AP release dodges his eyes
in waves and sandy shifts.
1,000(+) unread items
VEGANDAD
CHINESE POETRY
the heart is a book bag.
the store clerk knows
exactly what to say to the people
who will not buy anything.
she does not judge them.
breaking news, barricade breached,
one man sustained injuries.
fire placed under control.
the red-head closes his eyes
and watches TV sitting straight up.
of three cups of coffee
or a few beers with friends
the energy you'll need
to fill the air in pyramids.
he reads the AP release.
the AP release dodges his eyes
in waves and sandy shifts.
1,000(+) unread items
VEGANDAD
CHINESE POETRY
the heart is a book bag.
the store clerk knows
exactly what to say to the people
who will not buy anything.
she does not judge them.
breaking news, barricade breached,
one man sustained injuries.
fire placed under control.
the red-head closes his eyes
and watches TV sitting straight up.
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