go to old navy and buy a blue button up shirt
and dark blue relaxed fit jeans

go to banana republic and buy a white button up
shirt and a pair of flat front gray khakis with thin white stripes
and a boater's roap belt with blue slip on boat shoes

buy a yellow, collar t-shirt at hollister
and baby blue boxers with red anchors design on it

put the collar t-shirt on then the white, then the blue
button up shirts
put on the boxers, jeans, khakis then the belt and the shoes

go to grays papaya and get cheese fries
and give the cheese fries to a homeless man

idly read the first chapter of the hobbit in Ellis bar in Park Slope, in Brooklyn
then smoke a cigarette outside

go back into Ellis bar and order shot after shot of bourbon
until you 'black-out'



*

someone from my highschool died in a car accident
i googled him and found his resume
he was studying finance at syracuse
where he was accepted with a lacrosse scholarship
a lot of 'star' lacrosse players from my highschool
went on to study finance and become successful on wall st.
when i think about the behavioral patterns of successful
lacrosse players i think they seem very rational
and implacable, they are like 'hardened soldiers'
who won't say or do things that will make me angry
though what they do talk about won't seem that important
they will laugh at things that don't seem very funny to me
or may be very funny to me
they'll seem detached or dignified and have a worried
expression on their faces that seems healthy or attractive
that makes me feel calm

once i was in a house and saw an ayn rand book

and then i saw a david mccullough book

I WANTED TO CREATE A RADIO SHOW / PODCAST THING

the radio show didn't get finished
i made it to two songs
which were both by amy winehouse off of bank to black
i had an intro track of my voice
i wanted to put never meant by american football
on it and then talk about how i used to listen to
it on my old mp3 player while i went for runs up a mountain
when i was in college
the radio show didn't work because i couldn't layer the songs
with the voice tracks for some reason
plus i needed to d/l more songs

SHERYL CROW IS GOOD SOMETIMES

i square danced with a girl who said she was a singer
she gave me her card
i googled her and found her songs on myspace
but the songs weren't available
then i youtubed her and i found out
she plays football and is good at defense

i walk between two squirrels

one ran onto a porch of a house

while the one who had been chasing the other one
in circles

froze in the road and stared at me

i was a little afraid and felt a little something

i can't describe

i have owned several grammar books over the years. though i don't usually remember them, a lot of the lessons and rules in them make sense to me. my writing style can be influence more by grammar lessons. The Deluxe Transitive Vampire is my favorite grammar book, mainly because of its sentence style. after reading sentences from that book, i usually want to write derivative sentences. sometimes i carry it to and from work, along with other books, without opening it. other times i have carried it to and from work and have opened it. with no set goals in mind, oftentimes i open it while in my apartment, laying on my bed. oftentimes i do simple things that i feel are supplemental to my life. regardless of emotional implications, i feel i have adopted a sentence style that is positive. 

'a restaurant built around a terraced garden' in an ann beattie story

reminds me of the area in the middle of my high school that was 'outdoors' and

had a tree in the middle with bushes on the side.

my lab partner threw frog legs into it once.

after the teacher caught us, i watched him from the second story as he retrieved them .

the story is about a man who hates thanksgiving. 

i'm not following the plot of the story, but ensuring my eyes look at each word.

when i finish the last page i predict i will feel like i've made every moment in life count.

while i sleep, this feeling will vanish.

then i will get up to go to the bathroom and fall forwards, outside of my skin.

reaching for the inside of my arms, the inside of my arms will feel unreachable. 

from Untitled

Jim brings a camera to the lake house. The camera was given to him by a cousin from Kansas. The cousin is a professional photographer who invested in a newer camera with a bigger lens. Jim realizes the camera is lost when the sun is at the top of the sky and Ellen suggests walking down the shore trail to see the other houses. He sees the quilts on the guest room beds which are perfectly flat in the non-sunlight. There are two small duffel bags, with open mouths, revealing folded sweatshirts and rolled up bathing suits. The sloping lawn shines outside the large, diamond-paned windows. Jim leans down and looks under the bed against the right wall. The dark metal cross and support bars create shadows resembling things other than camera. He lays his stomach to the floor and slides to the bed that touches the left wall and the windows of the back wall. His palms touch the floor two inches to the outside of each pec muscle.The space under these double beds is darker but he still feels the camera is not there. He stands and feels the blood run down the inside of his body. Jim pans the tall dresser covered in an old fashioned tray, black and white photos, a dish of bracelets, and a miniature log cabin made for incense burning - no camera. 

somewhere i have a picture of a haunted fireplace in louisiana 

one time in louisiana i gutted a house whose owner

wanted us to save any star wars toys we found

also the barge board was valuable

which the house was made of i'm thinking

about those two places because i  can't sleep