i just want to be sane. i want to have even tempered posts. why can't i have that? can't i have a smartly planned life. can't i have something solid so i can work and think about these crazy, undesirable situations instead of living them, caught up in them so harshly i can't coherently describe them. can't i stand somewhere on a shore, like montauk, looking nicely at the world. half dead. can't i be half dead. can't i just kill myself. why haven't i. i've thought of it. who hasn't. why haven't i done it. why haven't we all just died yet. if it's all so bad. why haven't i slipped away to a dangerous place and jumped, or cut, or pulled the trigger.