next time i will be more focused and also happier

i keep thinking about things i should do

then i picture my face or something

i just feel like i can't decide what to do or i don't want to do anything

i just put my head down on my arm and exhaled

earlier i thought about getting in a nearly fatal car accident

and then just not telling anyone about it unless they

asked me like what happened at that specific time

or what happened when i was doing what i was doing just before the accident

i am not sure how i could create suspense in any other way

or in any aspects of my life

if i try to create something suspenseful

it will probably fail

i need to accumulate a lot of undisclosed information (true, untrue, mental or physical format)

i walked through time square and felt angry and impatient or something

about how everyone was in each other's way and it all seemed

unhealthy and inefficient and stupid

i felt better after thinking something like 'nothing is unique or original'

i felt like i could disappear or something

i mean it was easy to feel that nothing mattered

i just want to develop consistent patterns in my activities

i want to be able to deal with ranges of emotions and also physical problems

in a way that can be viewed as entertaining

i think if i have to go cross town in midtown next time i'll take like 41st street

the two block detour will be worth it, i think

i don't want to try and read a bunch of books

and then get bored with those books

and tell myself 'fuck books and writing and art'

and then do something else that during the moments i am

doing those things all of a sudden will make me feel like i should be with a book instead

i wish i used another example besides books

feels like a safe bet though

i don't know why i chose suspense before either

whatever though

is there a category for "excuse" words that would include 'just', 'but', 'though', 'instead', 'besides' 'etc.'?

i am not sure but i might always be making excuses

i could change that maybe. i think 'maybe' is an "excuse" word

i feel really confused but i feel that confusion doesn't matter at this point

i am still "complete" as a person