Seaport Afternoon

i feel like i am getting nothing done.

when i picture my blog i feel like there is something ultimately 'out of focus' to my entire approach. 

there is a nervous feeling when i am aware that people are reading my writing.

i do not feel like i am ready for people to read my writing but i want to remain constantly available for the duration of my life. 

the only times i would like to remain closed off to someone is if there is a persistent awkwardness, or negativity between that person and myself. or if a person is using or taking advantage of me for an exclusively personal gain.  

i feel less anxious when my writing enters someone i do not know's life. yet this feels like a form of laziness or something, though not bad, not entirely desirable. i am confident that if my writing is read by people 'close' to me and 'accepted' by them in an honest or sarcastic yet positive way, that will develop my cognitive manifestation of thoughts. i feel that cognitive manifestation of thoughts helps a writer, career-wise. i am not sure about this though. i just want to be more like i am in real life and in real life i want to be more like someone who is interesting to other people. i feel like i am coming to terms with my ego, or my self-consciousness. 

i need to increase references to my self-consciousness and my self-awareness in a way that will make me definitively ironic, an ultimate parody of a self-interested yet humble - a compassionate person with a sense for cuteness, passion, and pity. bravery - maybe. 

i keep leading myself to uncertain thoughts.

i just thought about deleting this whole post, or disqualifying it in some way. i imagined myself in the MLB and my pitching coach telling me a lot of what i do is unnecessary and that i will not become more threatening to batters unless i eliminate my ineffective pitches.  

i had thoughts about not blogging anymore, even deleting a significant amount of incapable posts.

maybe i should become more of a shrewd and canny person. i feel like being a mild mannered person detracts from my ability to make objective observations. i am confident that this is an assumption and that i feel like i simply want to become more of an objective thinker and observer. 

a lot of times when i am thinking about writing i repress anxious feelings towards having to recall observations that i told myself were interesting after i experienced them. i hope i am not depending on spirits to infuse my writing with concrete material. 

ultimately i want to write something that reflects my life and my personal brand. sometimes i feel like my writing is 'blurred' by how i am living, which i also perceive as to be 'blurry', as if my life does not have a personal brand for my writing to reflect. these things are inversely negating, as is maybe some larger universal duality. 

i want practice writing in a way that will produce results, as in a personal satisfaction. 

i feel like i have achieved a level of thinking that i would like to manifest and then develop into a career arc sort of thing. 

this would maybe maximize my personal experience maybe or improve the objective nature of my life. 

i hear a person singing outside. i think this person might be drunk. the language is spanish.

i feel unsure how any of these thoughts can improve a person's writing. i feel self-conscious of what people might deduce my emotional state to be, or my level of self-confidence to be gaged at. 

i feel satisfaction in a helpless existential retreat. my level of depression and uncertainty are combining to produce yearning phases of bipolar behavior. adjectives and adverbs are out of control. 

my life feels calm. i feel patience is easy to practice. 

the other night i let a small amount of fear, brought on by arbitrary thoughts before sleep, a la bipolar-ness (see above), stay in me. i thought, i know this is fear, and i know i can make it leave, but it should stay for longer and grow a little, a little longer. 

i forget what happened next. 

i feel as though i can finish this post without using a rhetorical statement, though i have felt urges to use rhetorical statements throughout and conscientiously abstained.