THE PUSSY DOTH PROTEST WALL STREET TOO MUCH, METHINKS
How are you doing? I hope things are going well. We talked online today. I asked you how Breakneck was and you said it was great. You must have gone this past weekend. You put pictures on Facebook last night. Last night I was drunk. I went to a bar in the area and drank while watching football and playing words with friends on my phone. It has been over two weeks now since I came to your birthday party, wished you a happy birthday, paid you for the ticket and left. When you asked me for the money you turned away from me and gave the money to Ed. The conversation we were having was then over. I guess it wasn't really a conversation. I might have asked you two questions. You seemed really impatient. You said "Sorry I've been asking everyone." Then I went and sat on the couch that was behind the bowling lane. I saw Susan arrive and she couldn't walk up to the bowling alley part so I went and said hello. Then I sat back on the couch. Then I watched you and Ed say hello. Then you and Ed walked into the crowd together. When I saw that happen I asked Kenneth if you two were back together and he said, "from what I saw earlier, yeah, I'd say so." I told Kenneth I was probably going to leave and he said he didn't blame me. I was hoping not to see you on the way out. I'm sorry it was disturbing for you to watch me leave. The time before that I saw you you had the McDonald's food and you were punching in the code to your parent's garage. We drove back from The Quiet Man. You were on the phone part of the way with Speno. She was worried cause he legs weren't shaved that Ron whose house she was on her way to might notice. I told you to tell her it didn't matter. Then you asked her if she touched his penis already and you said that that sounded like fun and you wanted to do that. I guess after I dropped you off then, when we kind of hugged over the center console of the car and you had the McDonald's and gave a half-smile I guess because it seemed awkward, I knew that that was end of what I was hoping might be something between us. When we first saw each other that night you came along side of me and put your arm around me and I did the same to you. But I let mine slide off a little and you took your right off after that. I was going to throw stuff out in the garbage. Then I stepped out of the picture of Kenneth and Speno unintentionally. I guess in the bar that night I just sulked. I just wanted to get something going with you. To hug you or make you laugh or anything. I tried staying sober. You smiled at me once or twice. We talked for a few seconds. I asked you about your family vacation. Then right in the middle of us talking you turned and walked away from me. Other times I was near you you'd turn and talk to someone else as if I wasn't there. Before that we were at Kenneth's house together a couple times. The last time you were very drunk, dressed up in his grandma's clothes and drove home. I asked you for a ride but you were too drunk. You gave me a good hug on the way out. The time before that Ron picked you up and your shirt was coming off all night. When I saw you out on his porch alone, smoking I went out to stand with you. We were looking at the dark back yard and you kinda randomly said that I was amazing. Then you stopped yourself and said you shouldn't tell me that when you are drunk. You flashed people because your shirt was already coming off a lot. We all drank too much tequila. We were in Kenneth's parent's room and you told me again I was amazing. Then your shirt somehow came off. When I woke up you were curled up on your side facing my. I can't really tell you how that feels for me to see that in the morning. You didn't want to get out of bed when Carli said you had to leave but then suddenly you jumped up as if you remembered your car or the oven was on. We woke up that way at Ron's, weekend of the 4th. I don't know why it happened. It felt like 2 and a half years I struggled through were detached from me. You looked so beautiful I couldn't believe it was real. I felt like I was floating and the world wasn't real. I felt aware of a strong, constant feeling of you. We hiked to that cave that day and ate dinner outside in Cold Spring. It didn't occur to me until recently that when you said "We should talk," before the food came that you meant talk about how we had a falling out during your last relationship. It's going to be six years this summer since we first kissed in the pool at Mike's house. I probably haven't once given you the attention I mean to or said the right thing that you need or are looking to hear. I've acted really childish and made huge deals out of insignificant things. But I have thought about you every day and held on to every moment I've ever been near you. And again I have to watch your pictures from Breakneck show up on Facebook and you walking off into the crowd with that person. I've been so confused. I've been crying for some reason. The part of my head that feels sane witnesses my other part going insane. I'm on my bed aware of how alone I feel at the moment. I've left work and stood on random street corners for a half hour at a time just staring into space. I walked around my cousin's neighborhood when I was visiting her looking for food in the rain. I had to just stand under an awning and cry. Nothing went right for me. In September you said you would come out 4 or 5 times and never showed up. I went to the store just now and almost cried in three different locations. One of them was when the traffic light wouldn't let me cross. When it did I wished the car making a right turn would hit me. Even if it was going slow. The day we hiked before you went to the Phish show you said you didn't like him. You said he was a bad musician. You said he waisted money he didn't have on concert tickets. I don't know if you're aware of all this stuff or if it matters. I don't want to have to go away from you again. I wonder if I was ever even as close as I thought I was. I can't tell you how insane I feel. I know how the steep mountain and forest calms your head at night after you've been in them that day. I don't have that calmness anymore. My mind is vacant, brittle and pensive. I will try and remain your friend this time. But if I disappear suddenly it's not because I want you to feel disturbed or hurt. You can find me if you need me. I have to pretend this is the end forever.