i have been between pages (~)80 - (~)115 since around friday of last week.

i am looking at the book and thinking about something other than the book.

i feel like it was written in long sittings and is not revisable. a lot of the language is abstract and if it were to be revised i feel like it would unravel and be difficult to reconstruct.

i feel like i am taking drugs for the purpose of scientific observance.

why am i a person just being tested?
do i not want a house?

i feel myopically attached to something.

i feel like i have no use for the book but i feel like i can read it and react to it passively, with detachment.

"...They can't understand what did it. A complication of pregnancy. They don't inquire further. They misunderstand medical terms. Their vocabulary is not one of disease. Nor is it one of health. What they do, always, is a compromise between death and living. They do know that no doctor was called. She died at night while the Reverend was sleeping, while the little child Kate was sleeping. They also know that the fetus was not expelled. It was tight within her still when she was taken away. Snug as a core in an apple. They do not like to discuss it really. It is not that they are not curious or bereaved or amazed. It is just that they lack the proper terms. They are embarrassed by their own references. The death isn't quite acceptable. It isn't quite . . . respectable."

-pg 110 (SCRIBNER SIGNATURE EDITION)

i am unaware of myself reacting internally to what i have read above.

something small happened when i read it.

can i export the small maybe lost thing in my 'material'.

how do i monetize myself?

i just want to be vague and vaguely transition from sentences

i keep hearing either rain or a fan or an air conditioner

i am very comfortable when i close my eyes right now

very tired and confident

i am listening to animal collective

chloroplasts / photosynthesis

my brain has eliminated an awareness for a vague presence of rules

that's not it

i feel like i am insulting myself and others

by lacking the proper 'terms'

i have been editing this post for the ~4 days it has been posted