*edited 4 days later*reread for the first time while 'stoned'. 'added' to it while 'stoned'*edited 4 days later*
I was reading State of Grace by Joy Williams and this passage seemed to stand out:
"The moment was mine, I knew, because I grew up all intuition and no curiosity. There's not a curious bone in my body. Like clockwork, I grew up with an innate sense of the proper order of things. I left it to the others to discover their egotistical sexuality. They were programed for impulse but lacked true desire. I recall my own schoolmates professing to enjoy the dopey pleasures of the Tip-O-Whirl in the bleached grassless playground of kindergarten as they wrapped their little thighs around the banana seats. I was not affronted by such behaviour. How could I be? I was up to Jeremiah in my insatiable quest for order. THE HEART IS DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS AND DESPERATELY WICKED: WHO CAN KNOW IT?"I felt like I was walking down a marina dock and as I passed a pontoon boat that barely fits in its slip, I reacted in a way that has been arbitrarily interposed to my reactions to my environment as they both change over time. I am picturing a lot of boats before and after the 'pontoon boat'. Can I think of boats in a marina and paragraphs as dichotomies. I think boats look like coffins or bugs sometimes.
I keep thinking 'everything changes over time'.
Everything cancels out. I just pictured a computer floating and then fading into a dark space.
I think eternity. I picture an alternate vision of blackness with blurry, pink boarders. I feel 'brainy'.
I feel like I don't need to be here metaphysically.
I feel like after reading this paragraph that I felt something different and then something I have developed from reading and communicate with other people has caused me to type it on my blog. I think it had to do with a voice admitting that it relied on intuition. I feel something in connection to relying on intuition and my ideas associated with language are connected. The situation in which a person relates themselves to the idea of intuition makes me feel like there is a change in the way I am related to the things I type.
I feel like someone inside of me is using some sort of aggressive or unreasonable method to control the outcome or order.
I feel like I am trying to reattach myself to myself, continually, forever. I think I need new things to attach to. I think I need to detach and attach somewhere different. I think I can describe myself as abstract and rhetorical at this point in the blogpost.
I feel like I had to use an acquired skill to resolve the feelings in my last paragraph.
If I am problem solving and my brain articulates 'intuition' what should I do?
Can I cope with my uncertainty? What does it mean when I type 'I hate myself'?
I think I feel okay saying / typing things that have a high probability of revealing my shortcomings - not worried about being incorrect.
I am not sure what's actually going on in this book. I reread a lot of the paragraphs. I like all the paragraphs. I felt like I was truly enjoying the above paragraph when I first read it.
So I transcribed the paragraph into my blogger account and I don't think I understand it. What do you think she means?
Not sure what a "Tip-O-Whirl" is. Youtube shows a "Tilt-O-Whirl" that looks like a ride that runs on a circular, up and down track, with individually rotating carriages which you can spin yourself.
Jeremiah is a prophet from the bible. Jeremiah:
"Jeremiah is also famous as "the broken-hearted prophet" (who wrote or dictated a "broken-hearted book", which has been difficult for scholars to put into chronological order), whose heart-rending life, and true prophecies of dire warning went largely unheeded by the people of Israel. God told Jeremiah, "You will go to them; but for their part, they will not listen to you"."