i can't say anything. if i open my mouth i will begin to cry. i'm feel like everything is meaningless. i don't know why i feel this way. we are all uncertain about things. we need to make money so we can pay for food and a place to live. i am able to make money. what else should i do? i want to spend a lot of time with someone. i want to talk to them all the time. i don't want to be bored and feel meaninglessness. i guess i don't feel like everything is meaningless. a stadium of people cheering makes me feel nothing. it is not impossible to get what i want. but i cannot speak. we are uncertain about things. if i am reckless i might disappear forever. . now i see meaninglessness. the universe expands and gets colder and darker. i want to be in english class again. dogs and cats chase each other respectively. i am crazy now. i am going to just curl up and die. the second law of thermodynamics says all things must decay. i'm facing the abyss. i have more energy to give up.

2 weeks later -

i deleted a lot of things from the above paragraph and felt lost or confused. my pizza unfolded itself. soon i'm going to fold my pizza back and bite it. now i am chewing my pizza and i want it to fill my stomach and push the anxiousness out of my chest. i keep going back to the pizza, folding it, and biting it. now i want a can of soda. i just thought that what im doing has nothing to do with the purpose of me writing but i don't know what the purpose of me writing is. how is what i'm doing controlling my writing? is this even relevent? do people want to read this? i keep biting my pizza and it is becoming less and less part of this paragraph. soon this paragraph will have to be about an emotion, maybe. the goal of this paragraph might be to control a specific emotion that has stayed in me too long. i feel like this emotion keeps returning and staying too long. the longer it stays the more frustrated i get at this emotion and want to push it out. then i 'push' it out and it goes very far away but returns with the same level of influence on my other emotions, sometimes more influence. i just bit the pizza again which is now cold and i feel that i will be definately getting a soda soon before this paragraph is done maybe. i'm afraid if i get up the paragraph will be damaged in an unreparable way, like the ideas will 'leak' out of the last unfinished sentence and soak into a rug or stick to the surface of the desk. i looked up at the paragraph without focusing on any words and remembered i wanted to say that it might not matter if this is finished because i feel like the emotion that the paragraph is becoming about is something, maybe not an emotions but a thought, that i have been aware of in the past and will have my chance to do something with in the future. i thought that maybe this is the end. i thought that maybe this whole paragraph is just an excuse for itself. i felt like im constantly making excuses and putting things off and not 'living in the moment' enough. i decided against soda and filled a cup of water from the water filter and sipped it on the way back to the computer. on the way to the filter i saw the security gaurd with the accent. i felt bad for the security gaurd's life which has to be spent at that job. then i decided i don't feel sorry for my life being spent at my job. i did not mention i was at my job. i felt like the water would make me feel better in the end. there is a basketball game on on a tv behind me. i just thought i can't wait to lay in bed which was an emotion i was hoping to acheive because i felt the opposite of that earlier. i felt an abstract need to do something with my body before i got to bed. i will probably do things with my body that are simple like change the cloths, drink and eat foods that are in my refridgerator, talk to my roommate, listen to music, read and type. the other abstract needs involved not going directly home and or spending money. i just finished the water and felt worried about the things i needed to do before i leave in an hour. will i just post this on my blog which i'm sure no one reads? how has the unknown idea or emotion developed in this paragraph? have i accomplished anything that will retain value? when i read this again will i feel those things again or improve my ability to type about the unknown idea or emotion. the emotion is somewhere near me but i feel like it is less inside of me. i feel aware that the emotion will return. i stopped calling it a possible idea because the vague way in which it enters and leaves my body is less characteristic of an idea. the time on the clock is telling me to stop writing. i feel at least like i did something. like i excersized at the gym but only for 3/4 the time i told myself i would.