it's 6:30 am
there's a blue light coming through
the cracks in my bedroom's door
i haven't slept yet tonight
there's always a blue light somewhere
where was my hyper-conscious sense
it was coming from the skylight
i looked up to it and felt cold
i peed then ran back to bed,
afraid

i'm wearing an XXL t-shirt, flannel pajama pants,
and three pairs of socks.
this is because ascribe to mountain therapy.

'little bitch, little bitch' in my head,
again and again because of how i reacted when i noticed the rat
near my foot.

before that two young girls were kissing on the subway
one of them had a banjo, the other wore her hood up.
'i know the words to every tune you've ever played on your bloody banjo'

i know them because i'm...

i'm a big smiling mountain with a yellow face.
tomorrow i'm sleepy and sad. i'll be in a confused zone of detachment.
what i do doesn't lead to anything.

i'm big and smiling. seconds of time are marking my brain's deterioration.
my face is yellow and i'm big and smiling.

there's a blue light coming from the computer screen

i wish... i have nostalgia for the lecture halls in IRC

the long dark lobby with the full length windows were good

i laid down and napped on the couches there once
in between classes

i liked sitting in the back of the lecture hall
with my hood on while other people
who did the reading assignments answered the teacher's questions

i'm watching college football again
go nebraska!

i miss going to the mall or mount kisco
with the intent to buy cds

even though i only went to mount kisco
for cds a couple times

there was a new and used shop
exile on main street

after i finish eating fried potato and onion
with ramen noodles and chopped up tofu hot dog
i feel the warmth left in the plate with my fingers
as i bring the plate to the sink
and put it on the frying pan filled with soapy water
then run cold water on the whole thing
then cup some warm water onto my mouth with my hand
then rub my chin and lips with my hand
i want to share this meal with you
i want to share planetary movements with you too
what i've seen of the sun moving below the horizon
and what i've seen of colorful bugs
it's all yours

we took the boat to the damp's house
people drank a lot of beer on the dock
and on the porch
there was a large metal thing
for cooking clams
it got late as boats started speeding
off in orange lit water
then we trolled home in the black water
looking into the warm houses
with our hoods up and towels around us
our house was quiet, a little cold
because we didn't have a fire like usual
i crawled into my top bunk
and it was pitch accept for the blue light
on the grass beyond the pine tree
a bear came to the diamond-paned window
and waved to me
i rolled over and shivered until the blankets
filled with my body heat

i don't think people who have to clean urinals have to put their hands in them unless there is chewed gum in the urinals

i look at the chewed gum and think about the urge you get when you're chewing gum, looking into the urinal

i'm thinking about a movie i saw earlier. a warm feeling of appreciation follows the thought.

there is a little palm tree coming out from behind the letters on my coconut water container.

in 2019 hopefully i will be looking at my hands and wondering about something.
in 2019 i will have a warm feeling of appreciation for a person in my life.

a friend is someone you feel good around.

the angry house wife left the house
she was gone for a while
then i saw her at the game
she asked me how my
mother's parents were
and i didn't remember
that i knew her mother died
she smiled at me,
wearing a fur coat
i remembered the angry
house wife and her mother
while walking down a city street

i'm watching a lot of tv

'this is bad for my writing' i think

then i think 'it feels better
to keep doing things that are bad
for my writing'

i think it's good to say 'it feels good
to do things that are bad for my writing'

song books lay all over
the house while we opened gifts.

one gift was old camping gear, handed down.

i won't have time to backpack for multi-day chunks.
i won't observe nature from an immersed vantage point.

we will enter a large wallet and sleep
for extra time, develop angry eyes, and
search for runaway fishing boats.