i can't say anything. if i open my mouth i will begin to cry. i'm feel like everything is meaningless. i don't know why i feel this way. we are all uncertain about things. we need to make money so we can pay for food and a place to live. i am able to make money. what else should i do? i want to spend a lot of time with someone. i want to talk to them all the time. i don't want to be bored and feel meaninglessness. i guess i don't feel like everything is meaningless. a stadium of people cheering makes me feel nothing. it is not impossible to get what i want. but i cannot speak. we are uncertain about things. if i am reckless i might disappear forever. . now i see meaninglessness. the universe expands and gets colder and darker. i want to be in english class again. dogs and cats chase each other respectively. i am crazy now. i am going to just curl up and die. the second law of thermodynamics says all things must decay. i'm facing the abyss. i have more energy to give up.

2 weeks later -

i deleted a lot of things from the above paragraph and felt lost or confused. my pizza unfolded itself. soon i'm going to fold my pizza back and bite it. now i am chewing my pizza and i want it to fill my stomach and push the anxiousness out of my chest. i keep going back to the pizza, folding it, and biting it. now i want a can of soda. i just thought that what im doing has nothing to do with the purpose of me writing but i don't know what the purpose of me writing is. how is what i'm doing controlling my writing? is this even relevent? do people want to read this? i keep biting my pizza and it is becoming less and less part of this paragraph. soon this paragraph will have to be about an emotion, maybe. the goal of this paragraph might be to control a specific emotion that has stayed in me too long. i feel like this emotion keeps returning and staying too long. the longer it stays the more frustrated i get at this emotion and want to push it out. then i 'push' it out and it goes very far away but returns with the same level of influence on my other emotions, sometimes more influence. i just bit the pizza again which is now cold and i feel that i will be definately getting a soda soon before this paragraph is done maybe. i'm afraid if i get up the paragraph will be damaged in an unreparable way, like the ideas will 'leak' out of the last unfinished sentence and soak into a rug or stick to the surface of the desk. i looked up at the paragraph without focusing on any words and remembered i wanted to say that it might not matter if this is finished because i feel like the emotion that the paragraph is becoming about is something, maybe not an emotions but a thought, that i have been aware of in the past and will have my chance to do something with in the future. i thought that maybe this is the end. i thought that maybe this whole paragraph is just an excuse for itself. i felt like im constantly making excuses and putting things off and not 'living in the moment' enough. i decided against soda and filled a cup of water from the water filter and sipped it on the way back to the computer. on the way to the filter i saw the security gaurd with the accent. i felt bad for the security gaurd's life which has to be spent at that job. then i decided i don't feel sorry for my life being spent at my job. i did not mention i was at my job. i felt like the water would make me feel better in the end. there is a basketball game on on a tv behind me. i just thought i can't wait to lay in bed which was an emotion i was hoping to acheive because i felt the opposite of that earlier. i felt an abstract need to do something with my body before i got to bed. i will probably do things with my body that are simple like change the cloths, drink and eat foods that are in my refridgerator, talk to my roommate, listen to music, read and type. the other abstract needs involved not going directly home and or spending money. i just finished the water and felt worried about the things i needed to do before i leave in an hour. will i just post this on my blog which i'm sure no one reads? how has the unknown idea or emotion developed in this paragraph? have i accomplished anything that will retain value? when i read this again will i feel those things again or improve my ability to type about the unknown idea or emotion. the emotion is somewhere near me but i feel like it is less inside of me. i feel aware that the emotion will return. i stopped calling it a possible idea because the vague way in which it enters and leaves my body is less characteristic of an idea. the time on the clock is telling me to stop writing. i feel at least like i did something. like i excersized at the gym but only for 3/4 the time i told myself i would.

i think it's funny that i thought my life was stupid today

also that i was in a lot of physical pain

i went into walgreens to buy advil

they were out of advil but a dvd that was in my backpack

set off the alarm

then i went to duane read and they had nyquil

my dvd set off the alarm again

i went up to them and told them i set off the alarm

then i set off the alarm on the way out and didn't say anything

a cop car slowly rolled behind me on Albermarle

i showed the officer the contents of my bag

he got bored 

i felt like the whole thing was built by a child

then i had an image of new york state from above

i was lying in bed and thinking i could die

and everything won't matter

i felt like i wanted to stay there

i want to stay wet in my towel

and not get dressed for work

i'm looking out the window of my kitchen

and i feel thin

there's a person typing on a laptop

i get my laptop and type on it

we're two gerbils 

i bought things at a kmart tonight

in the kmart by myself

abandoned confident of no staff

i broke the glass and got a shotgun

and slid a couch into the entertainment 

section

where i hooked xbox 360 up so 

it showed on all the tvs

and played a skateboarding video game

when i lost in the game i shot 

one of the tvs

i also enjoyed a lot of free, warm soda

sat with some friends at a diner

some weird stuff happened

but i felt mostly good during

the meal

been thinking about words

and ideas

my habits are bad

i'm not careful

when will i change that

is this post too personal

i didn't like canoeing today

but the memory gets better

shitty emotion is like clay
my face got arrested by overwhelming weeks
can't stop smiling and nodding my head
remember you do want to die / don't
what's wrong with me

god this blog is gay

go to write poem

pen doesn't work

curse pen and poem

i dreamed we're at the lake house

and it's getting late 

too late to swim anymore but 

maybe later a night swim 

because everyone's up it's not that

cold not that late yet

just the sun has set time

and we're all up on the porch

on benches the barbecue shooting

out smoke

there's still a hummingbird

we can do whatever now

the chipmunks probably miss us

can't i dream a little more

into the shit we're wasting our time now

feel very neutral was thinking maybe there's only one person in each city except the city i'm in and if i ever go to another city all the people secretly move to that city and pretend to live there like i thought my parents were going to unzip their skin one day and be small rich gremlins no joke really thought that have to be sort of conscious more conscious of the things i'm saying maybe i somehow want a break or something to happen that will change my situation but i don't know of a concrete element i could provide to my surroundings to receive some gratification in return just going to work on being myself like one of the crowd thought about joining the army and speaking to my sergeant about how the other recruits are assholes and was confident that the sergeant would say something like be urself do the best with what u got don't think about those guys watch out for urself repeatedly like it feels like running till ur completely exhausted like an over exhausted bro or something and i would think i'm not really into all the gear and shit and the gear and shit is important though i don't want to spend that much money on it because i'm not all into being a soldier but i just want to be myself within a context and have a goal somehow be a complex bro with layers of safety for some delicate girl who's really special or something to feel comfortable and maybe it's not all about the relationship we just want to touch each other and then i can go back to my context and goals it's not like an escape to be with them i guess i'm one way like a person who floods emotions into situations a lot and doesn't act or react objectively which is important but maybe i can be balanced with my objectiveness like use it a lot and then go lie in my bed and stay very still and my emotions will 'sweat' out or something i must just be very far away without sacrificing too much 

my shoes

wel i have several pairs

i mean what do you want to know

its like several are smelly

they are running shoes i mean 

come on

and one kinda dress shoe

but there are other dress shoes

that arent the greatest

and idk. when i have new shoes

im the bomb. i mean im a good fun person

at certain points why would 

it all just like crush my shoes

these stupid people with all their feet

man my shoes, and ur shoes

my friends shoes i mean

man okay they smell bad 

but cool man shoes