THE PUSSY DOTH PROTEST WALL STREET TOO MUCH, METHINKS

How are you doing? I hope things are going well. We talked online today. I asked you how Breakneck was and you said it was great. You must have gone this past weekend. You put pictures on Facebook last night. Last night I was drunk. I went to a bar in the area and drank while watching football and playing words with friends on my phone. It has been over two weeks now since I came to your birthday party, wished you a happy birthday, paid you for the ticket and left. When you asked me for the money you turned away from me and gave the money to Ed. The conversation we were having was then over. I guess it wasn't really a conversation. I might have asked you two questions. You seemed really impatient. You said "Sorry I've been asking everyone." Then I went and sat on the couch that was behind the bowling lane. I saw Susan arrive and she couldn't walk up to the bowling alley part so I went and said hello. Then I sat back on the couch. Then I watched you and Ed say hello. Then you and Ed walked into the crowd together. When I saw that happen I asked Kenneth if you two were back together and he said, "from what I saw earlier, yeah, I'd say so." I told Kenneth I was probably going to leave and he said he didn't blame me. I was hoping not to see you on the way out. I'm sorry it was disturbing for you to watch me leave. The time before that I saw you you had the McDonald's food and you were punching in the code to your parent's garage. We drove back from The Quiet Man. You were on the phone part of the way with Speno. She was worried cause he legs weren't shaved that Ron whose house she was on her way to might notice. I told you to tell her it didn't matter. Then you asked her if she touched his penis already and you said that that sounded like fun and you wanted to do that. I guess after I dropped you off then, when we kind of hugged over the center console of the car and you had the McDonald's and gave a half-smile I guess because it seemed awkward, I knew that that was end of what I was hoping might be something between us. When we first saw each other that night you came along side of me and put your arm around me and I did the same to you. But I let mine slide off a little and you took your right off after that. I was going to throw stuff out in the garbage. Then I stepped out of the picture of Kenneth and Speno unintentionally. I guess in the bar that night I just sulked. I just wanted to get something going with you. To hug you or make you laugh or anything. I tried staying sober. You smiled at me once or twice. We talked for a few seconds. I asked you about your family vacation. Then right in the middle of us talking you turned and walked away from me. Other times I was near you you'd turn and talk to someone else as if I wasn't there. Before that we were at Kenneth's house together a couple times. The last time you were very drunk, dressed up in his grandma's clothes and drove home. I asked you for a ride but you were too drunk. You gave me a good hug on the way out. The time before that Ron picked you up and your shirt was coming off all night. When I saw you out on his porch alone, smoking I went out to stand with you. We were looking at the dark back yard and you kinda randomly said that I was amazing. Then you stopped yourself and said you shouldn't tell me that when you are drunk. You flashed people because your shirt was already coming off a lot. We all drank too much tequila. We were in Kenneth's parent's room and you told me again I was amazing. Then your shirt somehow came off. When I woke up you were curled up on your side facing my. I can't really tell you how that feels for me to see that in the morning. You didn't want to get out of bed when Carli said you had to leave but then suddenly you jumped up as if you remembered your car or the oven was on. We woke up that way at Ron's, weekend of the 4th. I don't know why it happened. It felt like 2 and a half years I struggled through were detached from me. You looked so beautiful I couldn't believe it was real. I felt like I was floating and the world wasn't real. I felt aware of a strong, constant feeling of you. We hiked to that cave that day and ate dinner outside in Cold Spring. It didn't occur to me until recently that when you said "We should talk," before the food came that you meant talk about how we had a falling out during your last relationship. It's going to be six years this summer since we first kissed in the pool at Mike's house. I probably haven't once given you the attention I mean to or said the right thing that you need or are looking to hear. I've acted really childish and made huge deals out of insignificant things. But I have thought about you every day and held on to every moment I've ever been near you. And again I have to watch your pictures from Breakneck show up on Facebook and you walking off into the crowd with that person. I've been so confused. I've been crying for some reason. The part of my head that feels sane witnesses my other part going insane. I'm on my bed aware of how alone I feel at the moment. I've left work and stood on random street corners for a half hour at a time just staring into space. I walked around my cousin's neighborhood when I was visiting her looking for food in the rain. I had to just stand under an awning and cry. Nothing went right for me. In September you said you would come out 4 or 5 times and never showed up. I went to the store just now and almost cried in three different locations. One of them was when the traffic light wouldn't let me cross. When it did I wished the car making a right turn would hit me. Even if it was going slow. The day we hiked before you went to the Phish show you said you didn't like him. You said he was a bad musician. You said he waisted money he didn't have on concert tickets. I don't know if you're aware of all this stuff or if it matters. I don't want to have to go away from you again. I wonder if I was ever even as close as I thought I was. I can't tell you how insane I feel. I know how the steep mountain and forest calms your head at night after you've been in them that day. I don't have that calmness anymore. My mind is vacant, brittle and pensive. I will try and remain your friend this time. But if I disappear suddenly it's not because I want you to feel disturbed or hurt. You can find me if you need me. I have to pretend this is the end forever. 

i really need to go to brazil. the women there have tan skin and good ass and breasts. they just seem more sexual and willing and able to be amused by a white person like me. like if a women like that is here she would definitely not be amused by me because there would be so many people like me. i am italian. after work i am stopping by the library on 23rd to pick up my hold books, then i might nap at home or skateboard under the BQE. then since i don’t have to wake up early tomorrow - i’m setting up live shots for the pre-game of game five of the ALDS - i might go out to a bar and talk to a girl i don’t know already. that would be ideal. i should focus on going to multiple bars without squandering the cash available to me at the time at one bar. i should concentrate on writing more understandable things. what am i writing? are these sentences, thoughts, complaints? is this stream-of-consciousness? what if people stated the obvious more often? what if they always said shit like i’m standing here looking at you. i don’t know. its colder now. jeans are one of the greater things on girls. maybe girls like them on men too. think about all the things in the world going on at once. some creatures must be experiencing pinnacle moments in their lives. people are making minor changes to infrastructure that will magnify into significant events in the future.

*

it was dark and it was raining.

a man in shadow emerged

from the back of a little soap shop and lit up

i asked him for the time

he said i have to check my phone

because nobody wears a watch anymore

which doesn't make sense to say

but the time he said

did not force me to act

differently

*

the roof was big enough for football

and it was depressing how far away

everyone stood from the band

*

i was really hungry so i ate a lot of barbecue 

chips 

it's good that there were so many in this bowl

it was bad that they were nearly all too small to be chips

and more like crumbs

*

there's a firetruck idling in front of the pizza restaurant that looks closed

but it's actually an ambulance in front of a convenience store

*

do you think people will care when sting dies?

*

i drink six abita seasonal beers with great ease last night

they were named harvest with each president in mind

and cost 11 dollars all together at a store called e-z pass

or deli, grocery, candy

or the one that plays music outside sometimes

*

for years the third drink at empire hunan was free

then the recession happened in 2008

well now the free third drink is full price

*

my suicide note would be

"where did i wash up?"

it got quiet at work and the sky was darkening

a friend posted youth lagoon on facebook

the nepali engineer asked me to order two ribbon hinges

someone found my blog at the old address by googling my name

they were looking at pictures of family crests

it started raining and thundering and the air coming into my room is cool

my name is cuban polack and you can call me rick

i'm stupid and cuban

i bought 12 .73 mm picks for 5.89 and they still come out of my fingers when i'm practicing the strum

it got dark in my room, then it rained outside

a girl in a room across the street pulled her shirt around her waist. the rain made her blurry. judging by the height of the building it looked like the room she was in had high ceilings.

when my change jar is full it equals a hundred dollars, if you ask me

it's pretty full right now!

i want to tear apart my computer charger

the process is so much stress but the progress feels the best - wayne via 'tie my hands'

my computer charger was working when i got home

the green light went away and when it is attached the battery looks like a battery

is my blood pressure high right now?

afraid to talk to people because i'm so on edge right now

the washing machine door pinched together two points of my boxers and athletic shirt. when the cycle started the two items began twisting together. i watched it through the window in the door. it was intense. i saw my cloths destroying themselves. a helpless and exciting feeling rushed through me. then i watched the hispanic girl's ass as she loaded her machine. then the boxers and shirt snapped free. i could even see them untwist as the soapy water flooded in.

i can taste anger and frustration in my mouth.

coffee got inside a clear Bic pen when i used it to stir coconut rum into the coffee

brent's website on slippery guitar picks helped eased my frustration over small plastic slippy things.

a detective made a cell phone call in the laundromat.

little bits of audio i hear because the traffic light mathematics stopped these chosen cars.

mathematics that show me how dumb i was to not prevent all this stuff.

a dumb american who's healthy enough to not prevent his emergency hospitalization and not have insured his ass.

koala bear is a marsupial and a killer whale is a porpoise

googling yourself hurts

i'm sipping the wine you got me

the scab i thought i was scraping was really a mole.

it's amazing that blister juice doesn't smell worse than it does.

i'm listening to kanye west and i just burped a smelly garlic burp

today i checked out two books from the library on 23rd and 7th avenue

then i walked towards 3rd avenue and 14th street and got on the subway

i lost one follower on twitter and practiced the banjo when i got home

beyonce is on this track and there is a musical clicking noise

it's been a while since i posted something here

hopefully i will post way more often

it seems amazing that you can sit outside on a stoop and people will just keep walking by

i think i was outside on the roof looking at blimps and planes in the dark

the moon shined through a thin cloud

i went under my blankets and used my laptop

felt very restless and hungry, angry

closing the laptop and lying in the dark feels like surrendering

to something, seems beautiful

i can’t really sleep and have to be up in a few hours

seems like i’m going to die because people say that’s what happens to you

my heartbeat was shaking my bed

shapes of light moved across the walls and ceiling

i want to exercise and go to work now and feel rested

i don’t think i’ve ever shaved at 1am

i thought about how i can only experience life through my body

the last few weekends of the summer i went to my parent’s house

it was a sunday night

i sprayed fabreeze at my fan. the shot changed direction and misted my banjo

i'm going to listen to circuital even though last summer i said i hated it and then go to a bar i hate because that's just how things worked out tonight and nothing turns out how you planned it

but i used to hate the bar because other people said they hated the bar

i used to write different only not so long ago

seems like you can exponentially increase effectiveness by developing a lifestyle 

someone pulled the door open as i was pulling it closed behind me.

inside duck duck it was a little warmer than it was outside.

i was wearing a jets hat and a jets T. 

empty chairs at the bar came closer to me.

french speaking people moved in from behind me. they claimed the chairs. the bartender took a coaster off a whiskey glass.

the bar area across from the draught taps was empty. the bartender served me a beer then poured me a shot. he said five bucks. 

i sat to the inside right of the door on a bench and looked at everyone in the room. someone had make on their lower eyelid and wore a dentist jacket.

a guy wore baggy clothes. he illuminated the floor with a lighter. other people bent to the floor with him. the floor glowed . i saw something shiny. some of them exited then reentered the bar. the baggy clothes person seemed to have switched to shorts.

i saw two of the bartenders pause from their activities and stand next to each other, staring off in different directions. one of them snapped his glance and moved his mouth to say something short. the one with mutton chops and goatee walked around the bar and stood on a ladder to turn on the air conditioning. i stared into space for a while. some lights behind the bar became blurry and prominent when everything else went blurry. i stood up and put an empty can on the bar and walked to my apartment but went into the bodega and bought a beer first. 

fixe prixe

pictures: New york down state as king with crown, New york long island as penis

s.s.: U cannot end suffering...Double oh seven cool. I shouldn't complain because you'r going through something worse than I am. Looking in mirror hotel un conference talking into ear peice. Second floor hotel. How do you like France. My name means love. It matches my mission.

s.s.: group of women hike in the mountains as a bachelorette party. two women have slept with the same man. they are not friends on facebook. have known each other for years. man is a mutual friend. wedding is only reason they see each other

WEDDING PARTY POEM

[NAME RETRACTED] GOT MARR9ED

WENT TO BAR 

TOOK SHOTSS

SMOKED EEED PROBABLY 

GOT SLEEPLY

GIVEM THAT GRICTIANT SIDE HUNG

a movie and a bit of writing





how i ate what i ate today seems healthy despite the actual food being not healthy

it seems rare when i eat at evenly spaced times and not between. it seems to be a bit of luck that i might sleep more than 4 hours tonight.

besides periodic glasses of water

my day went as follows:

7am- i eat an everything bagel with cream cheese and drink a quart of orange banana and strawberry tropicana juice.

12pm- i eat a chicken cutlet with sauce and melted mozzarella on approximately 8 inches of long roll (chicken parm hero).

7pm- i eat a beef burger, cheese, caramelized onions, special sauce, lettuce, onion and ketchup on roll (manhattan diner burger) w/ fries, small pickle and drink an iced tea with a small amount of sugar.