was reading 'sparknotes' for Tuesdays with Morrie

not sure what love is

feel self-conscious typing 'love'

seems easier to write after having a few drinks

if i stopped drinking completely it would take a few months

before i felt normal 'not drinking,' 'i think'

predicting i would feel more excited 'not working' for a corporation

wanting money seems to equate to laziness

feel like isolated subjects and non-sequitors equate to laziness

when did i stop using isolated subjects, or fragments, in my writing

not sure what 'writing' i am talking about, it's all the same

guess nothing is totally isolated, ever

does just thinking that thought isolate me from something

guess you can be totally isolated from one thing and not everything

was in a room with a lot of people

they were talking about marriage

sensitive about my appearance

felt bad between work and my apartment, really tired, but wrote in my notebook - random stuff

slept for four hours when i got home

need to sleep soon, drinking rum and store-brand soda

feel like i cannot access what i really mean to say though

this first things i type seem really wrong, or bad

forget where i was

but i was thinking, as if i was explaining it though, to someone,

that the earth and moon and sun are a lot smaller in scale

than the way we see them with our eyes

like if the earth was the size of a screw on something in a taxi cab

then the moon would be the size of a piece of sand and be as far away as the sidewalk

and the sun would be the size of a coconut and be as far away as a building a block away

after watching the film Up In The Air, i feel more confident that some of the subjects in this post are potent to people that don't know what they're going to be doing in their 30s.

so i'm going to read this in the morning and either edit it or delete it

peace

wake up time in 2hrs from now

stuff that happened (to me) this decade

~ start of 2000
*waits out thunderstorm on top of whiteface mountain
*quits football team after being choked by football coach
*tries out for varsity lacrosse team, doesn't make team
*family sells summer lake house, goes to Mohegan Sun with family
*works at coffee shop, throws party at parent's house while parents go out for Chinese food

~start of 2001
*sees clockwork orange and Dr. Strangelove
*visits 'ground zero' days before Christmas
*works with Guatemalan immigrants excavating septic field, cuts live electrical wire in an old house with yellow 'snippers'

~start of 2002
*gets rejected from purchase film school, wait-listed at NYU, visits Emerson in Boston, enrolls at suny oneonta
*reads 'on the road', 'the rum diary', 'electric kool aid acid test'
*visits grandparents in Florida
*watches wild strawberries, 8 1/2, the seventh seal, and winter light
*vacations with family in Montauk, NY
*loses virginity
*takes psychedelic mushrooms alone in college dorm room
*'crams' for philosophy final using 'cocaine' to stay awake


~start of 2003
*receives a D in public speaking, fails African history (doesn't take final), receives a C- in world literature
*takes acid and eats food in wilsbach dining hall
*takes psychedelic mushrooms after seeing Hukkle in 'art house'
*gets arrested by campus police for lighting fireworks
*drunk drives in snow covered back-country roads in oneonta
*moves into house on Columbia street in oneonta, gets sued by neighbor, reads Faulkner oeuvre, reads 'tortilla flat', reads 'torch song' by john Cheever
*wins intramural indoor soccer title
*takes a girl to a club, listens to heavy metal in her dorm room after
*talks with grandfather re 'art' at breakfast table
*attends weekly mug night entirety of college semester

~start of 2004
*works at ski mountain, flips grandfather's car driving to ski mountain, snowboards drunk, loses car keys on ski slopes
*sleeps in car at ski mountain, reads 'song of Roland', abridged version of '1001 Arabian nights'
*videotapes interviews with several Buddhist monks at monastery in new york
*reads 'leaves of grass', 'complete poems' of Emily Dickinson
*writes 10 page paper re Faulkner's 'go down moses', reads first part of king Arthur's version of the bible
*swims in lake placid again
*girlfriend at the time studies abroad in Florence, Italy

~start of 2005
*moves into apartment in oneonta that has a bow-flex
*takes literature courses over summer in oneonta
*listens to air america radio regularly
*apartment gets big screen tv, kegorator, playstation 2, deep fryer, crock pot
*cares for 3ft female marijuana plant

~start of 2006
*makes ~6min video starring roommate
*drinks sambuca regularly
*graduates from suny oneonta
*moves in with parents
*starts blogger blog
*washes dishes, makes salad for 2 weeks in violet, Louisiana
*serves food at conference center, sees bear vs shark in poughkeepsie, ny

~start of 2007
*works as freelancer in Manhattan, NY
*guts katrina-ruined bedroom in 9th ward New Orleans, scoops used condoms with shovel
*drinks Guinness regularly
*reads Man A la Mancha, Ulysses, The Odyssey
*hikes Mount Haystack wearing new balance sneakers
*rereads abridged version of Inanna's Descent into the Underworld
*drinks whiskey and ice regularly
*flirts with vegetarianism
*deletes original blog
*poem published on california based website

~start of 2008
*reads tao lin oeuvre
*visits bearparade.com regularly
*attempts and fails to hike mount haystack wearing snowshoes and new EMS boots
*moves to brooklyn, ny
*reads 'like life', 'revolutionary road', 'self-help', 'chilly scenes of winter', 'the end of the story', 'a green light'
*sees 'the grand illusion'
*starts new blogger blog
*starts twitter account
*watches forrest gump in its entirety on cable television
*puts 'britney spears' stickers on door of gawker offices
*suffers embarrassing defeat in goldeye for N64 at the hand zachary german
*continues to flirt with vegetarianism, occasionally eats meat
*eats at angelica's kitchen with girlfriend at the time
*sees ellen kennedy read 'probably going to die alone'

~start of 2009
*cross-country skis to avalanche pass
*hikes dix mountain wearing new hiking boots
*has things published on the Internet
*reads march edition of Harvard business review
*interviews at fortune 500 company
*hikes rocky peak ridge, giant mountain
*reads john Keats on subway train
*flirts with veganism, occasionally eats dairy, occasionally eats meat
*grandfather dies via cancer
*listens to 6x Wordsworth poems on cassette tape

~start of 2010
?????????????

again

i cannot remember the order of particular events

after i have singled out one event

where did it come from?

not sure what the purpose of remembering everything is

i feel like my twitters are bad

feel sick of myself, life seems so bad

i wish that 75% of my blog didn't exist

the snow on all the sidewalks is terrible

why am i not writing more, nothing new happens

seems like i cannot broaden my perspective

i am aware there is a broader perspective

but then it feels like i am hungry

returning to original blogger personality

feel bad a lot and can't accept that i'll feel different

felt good for a little after thinking about the past

feel like xmas and xmas-eve

is going to be worse than a regular weekend

this post is going to make you not like this blog anymore

honestly felt my blog was being visited by a recruiter

today

my back hurts

posture seems really bad

not sure if i should stop here

or keep typing

not sure what to do at all

what am i going to do about keeping a steady income

feel like i look like a farm animal

i want to shower

but i showered today

at 430am

going to shower the next time it is 430am

my face looks unsymmetrical

okay i really want to stop making more lines

just seems so bad

sentences are not making me feel better

going to watch the rest of 'men who stare at goats' tonight

clooney

i can feel what it feels like to feel good

chinese cabbage

thnx jamie and zachary

(greatest people ever)

just got back from a reading in manhattan

hated it. not sure why i went.

don't remember anything i liked
remember it smelled like donuts in the venue
remember thinking 'how did i end up here'

all the sentences were very long. there was a lot of repetition.
people were laughing a lot during the questions part.
hated the people for some reason.

still have my winter hat on, and my jacket
sitting at my laptop

'liars in love' is a good story by richard yates
i felt like i needed to recreate something i read in the middle of one of the paragraphs

coming home from work i couldn't understand the prose in the middle part of it.
i felt angry. i stared a lot. i read a page and felt confused
and then stared and my face felt warm.

not sure what the point of this post is.

frostbite seems like one of the worst things to get.
it seems bad to get if you're not expecting it or something,
like if you're doing something 'normal'
and are not prepared exposure to extreme cold

it is worse, i think, if you get it on a mountain
and you get it so that it blackens like a whole appendage.

this is faint and meaningless and produced by Alex Balk

haha he sucks from miles ross on Vimeo.

been working on writing, working my day job, chilling, getting ready for the holidays
bought some stuff on ebay that i am excited for. two of the things came already.



hate WW2

This post has been edited by Tao and republished here.

This part was edited out of what was published at Muumuu House:

"Damn, why are people running away from him / me / each other when we could have just waited until he walked by and the smell would just be momentary? Damn, why didn’t that guy realize he smelt like fresh poop?"

“Don’t you have gloves,” Harry says.

“Mice chewed our gloves,” Ellie says.

“You don’t even have boots on,” Harry says.

Ellie shrugs her shoulders and waves at the people for them to enter the corral.

&6&

how am i different from people?
how will she view my life?
going to google ‘meaningful life’







again

seems like I am upset with life
should probably ‘keep going’
water falls off of a rock and is white





stunts stunts

heard kevin garnett say anything is possible

was staring at a grim reaper figurine

he has a felt cloak, a skeleton face,

and a crooked plastic staff

i felt hungry and nothing / depressed






^^^

do i feel tired right now?

i dressed in the light of my headlamp

didn’t count the change after i bought a bagel

who is my senator

senators seem insane

can i imagine a good senator

radio hosts are ugly






*&^

i am going to imagine the universe
i keep destroying myself
from the inside
we are all hipsters
there are hipster dentists
and hipster murderers
there are red maples everywhere
in manhattan, circa 1609





bros edit

you might hear my dad spinning

love the word 'hosts' above

didn't want to change it